Not because we don’t want to go, but because we’ve been traveling, or sick, or downright exhausted.

It’s nice to be back. Brandon and I sneak away to a quiet room for part of it to simply sit and enjoy the quiet and to have some alone time with God.

There’s such a lack of quiet in our lives with three young kids, and it’s so much easier to pray and to feel connected to God when I’m able to take some time in the quiet with him.

Life has been especially crazy lately, and it’s good to take some time to worship God, to draw me back to what’s important, and to remember who it is that’s really in control.

Loud and off key

The best part of this morning though was singing during the worship time in church.

My middle daughter, who is almost 5, asked me to carry her for the songs. She’s getting pretty big and it’s not easy for me to do so, but I like to do that still from time to time. I know I won’t be able to do it much longer.

It brought tears to my eyes to hear her singing. At first she just listened, but then I told her she could sing too, and she started to belt out the tunes.

She didn’t really know the words to most of them, and she was still kind of learning the melodies, but she sang loud and proud and with a smile on her face.

There were no worries about performing and living up to some expectation she may have put on herself.

Just the joy of singing to God.

It was beautiful and free.

I expect too much

I’m realizing as I type this even that I’ve put so many expectations on myself that are hard to live up to.

Some of the many expectations I put on myself include:

• Being a great wife
• Being a great mother
• Being our main financial provider
• Being a wildly successful blogger
• Running a successful wedding photography business
• Giving my kids the best education through homeschooling
• Being a “good Christian” (whatever that means since it’s not about doing)
• Being someone who others can come to for help
• Being an amazing cook
• Keeping a clean house
• Being an organized & responsible adult
• Raising kids that other people marvel at

As I think about this list and type it out, I realize that none of these things are wrong to want.

But I hold myself up to them, and it’s tiring me out.

It stresses me out when I don’t live up to them.

For example, my house is a mess. Pretty much always. So I feel like I’ve failed in that expectation I’ve put up for myself and I feel shame when people visit.

That’s just one place where I don’t live up to the expectations I set for myself.

Listing them out is helpful because it makes me realize how ridiculous it is to try and be all these things at once.

It simply is unrealistic to think that I can do everything, be everything, and yet if I’m honest with myself, I still believe that if I just “try harder” or “work harder” that I could achieve it somehow.

Yet I fail, every day. I never measure up to what I think I should be. I get down on myself, work longer, try harder, and become more stressed and cranky because I just can’t do it on my own.

Longing for freedom, longing for Grace

We were never meant to put all these unrealistic expectations on ourselves as a way of judging our worth.

What matters is not how we are perceived nor how well we live up to the many expectations we put on ourselves, but rather what matters is coming to God, giving these things to him, and allowing him to fill us with his love and grace and lead us to the place where we are free.

The things I want of myself aren’t bad in and of themselves.

However, judging myself based upon how well I achieve them is completely against what we are called to do as believers.

We can never live up to the expectations we put on ourselves or to the expectations that other people put on us. We were never intended to.

Instead, we are to go to Jesus, accept his Grace, and know that as long as I’m following him and living in his Grace and Love that I’m in the right place.

My worth comes from God and God alone, not from these false benchmarks of success that I put upon myself.

I deeply long to shed these burdens that I carry and be truly free.

I want to sing like my daughter, without worrying about what anyone thinks, without having to know all the words or all the melodies before belting it out loud with abandon.

I want my life to be a joyful noise to the Lord. I want to be free of these chains I put on myself.

I pray for Grace to accept the freedom that is offered to me, and I pray that God would give me the courage to live in Grace and stop judging myself based upon these crazy measures I’ve put up all around me.

“But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared,
he saved us,
not because of works done by us in righteousness,
but according to his own mercy,
by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit,
whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior,
so that being justified by his grace
we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.”
-Titus 3:4-7 (ESV)

I’ve feel like I’ve been stressed for several months straight.

I have a few good breaks in there where I’m not worrying as much, but lately it’s been bad.

The worst part is that I get really down and cranky when I’m stressed, and it affects my whole family.

I don’t want to be remembered as a cranky, stressed out mom and wife one day. Sigh.

I was talking with a friend yesterday about it for a few moments, and I realized a few key things that I didn’t really want to admit to myself.

Sugar Momma

First, I don’t like the stress of being the one who is the main provider, and I hate even realizing and admitting that because I don’t want to make my husband feel bad about it.

While we both shoot weddings together, I do almost all of the other stuff behind the scenes of the business and I feel like I’m responsible for promoting the business and securing our income.

It’s not bad, and I know it is what God has called us (our roles that is) but it stresses me out. I don’t like that it stresses me out.

Maybe everyone feels this way. I don’t really know.

I don’t enjoy the Christmas season anymore at all

This time of year almost always triggers stress in me.

I hate obligatory buying.

I don’t like shopping in general, but when I have to do it, it makes me cranky. I’m doing more hand-made stuff this year, though, which is good, but it makes me sad to think I can’t enjoy this time of year.

I don’t think I’ve really enjoyed Christmas time for several years now.

I love seeing my family and catching up, but I’m tired of the commercialism of it all. Part of me wants to completely boycott it next year.

But really, I don’t think that’s the main issue. I think it’s just a catalyst to all the stress I hold onto, and it’s more me than the season that makes me cranky.

“I believe; help my unbelief!”

Really, what it all comes down to, yet again, is my wanting to be in control and not trusting God to provide and simply being faithful to what he has called us to.

It’s so hard to do it day after day, and it requires a daily setting aside of my control and trusting in God, which is so hard sometimes.

Choosing to let go

It is so good to trust. It helps my stress to melt away. Even just blogging this and thinking about it brings peace again.

It’s so easy for me to stress out. So easy to feel like I have to be the one who provides, to feel the weight of responsibility like a burden.

But it’s not about me. Yes, I have to be faithful to what I’m called to do, but I need not be anxious.

Instead, I need to learn to rejoice more often, to praise God for all he’s given us, and not let myself get down.

I have much to be thankful for.

“Rejoice in the Lord always.
I will say it again: Rejoice!
Let your gentleness be evident to all.
The Lord is near.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation,
by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,
present your requests to God.
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” -Phil 4:4-7 (NIV)

It was interesting. I’m not one of those people who is too concerned about my age, so I didn’t expect it to really change anything.

But it did change me, and in a way that I wasn’t expecting.

My focus in life

Growing up it seemed like my main focus was to work hard so I could go to college.

In college it was to figure out what I wanted to do.

I remember how my senior year in college I was surprised as I didn’t have this big overarching goal in my life to strive for.

I had arrived.

It was time to find a job, start a family, be an adult (whatever your definition of that is).

So I did.

And the last few years since college ended have been full of blessings.

A husband that I absolutely adore, three beautiful children, a house, a job, even a minivan.

Life has been a whirlwind of changes, not always easy at all, but I’ve loved them and I’ve been so very, very blessed.

And then I turned 30

Maybe it was because I have been so busy that I haven’t had time to ponder it much, but I hadn’t really thought too much about the future besides dreaming about land and our eventual goal.

There’s the little goals, like paying off the car and saving for this or that, but not much thought about things otherwise.

For whatever reason, I started thinking about turning 50.

What did I want my life to be like at 50?

I realized that there were several habits and traits in my life that I envision myself having one day in abundance that I don’t really have right now (or at least not all of them).

More patience, more fun, more celebration, more coffee with friends, more home-cooked meals, more sewing and things I enjoy, and a healthy body.

I keep making excuses about how I don’t have time for stuff because I’ve got the business or whatever else going on.

The truth is, I don’t MAKE enough time for these things.

And then it hit me. Why did I think I’d suddenly start making time for these things once I turned 50 if I wasn’t doing it now?

Making time now

So now I have my goal.

To start living the way I want to live the rest of my life.

The first thing that changed was that I started running again, just twice a week, but I was doing it.

I’m not overweight at all, but I’m lazy and I sit in front of a computer all day, so I don’t want it to catch up with me.

I want to have a healthy body at 50, so it’s important for me to incorporate these things now. Even though I just want to eat savory fatty foods and sit for the most part.

I also started sewing again. Just plain good for my soul.

Still working it out

I have a long way to go to get to where I want to be, but I’m really excited to finally start living the rest of my life.

Sounds weird to say that, but I don’t want it to pass me by without really living it.

Thanks for joining me on my journey.

I’ve just devoured the book “A Thousand Miles in 100 Years” by Donald Miller (affiliate link), and it talked about the importance of living a good story and having a good story to live.

It was so good I read the entire book in a day. I don’t do that very often. It was a book that started somewhat slow for me, but after the first 100 pages or so the good stuff really kicked in and I couldn’t put it down.

It stirred something inside of me. It made me want to start living a good story with lots of beautiful little vignettes mixed into that story.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

When a good story is lacking

Now that I’m 30, I’m noticing a shift that’s happening to the people around our age.

We’ve settled into boring stories, and it’s depressing us.

We’re done with school, some have started families, but many of us have settled into stories that are based in comfort and security that are incredibly dull.

Because our story is not exciting, we are losing our passion and becoming depressed. I imagine we’re setting ourselves up for the “mid-life crisis” that happens sometime in the next 10-20 years.

The last few years have been a little bit like that for me. The office job that I worked was sucking the life out of my soul. It’s not because it was a bad job, as it was a very good job and I really enjoyed all my colleagues and the company, but working in a cubical for a paycheck is the kind of story that people read to fall asleep at night, not as inspiration.

The purpose of that job was to provide for my family. I did my time, I got my paycheck, and I was enslaved to the cube where I spent almost every day with very little vacation time. It brought me down quite a bit.

There was no excitement to the story, no purpose beyond provision, no big risk and no real rewards.

Coming alive again

Thankfully, that wasn’t the end of the story.

God has given us a much bigger story, one that gets us excited and brings us hope.

It’s a story with a goal that we can’t attain with our own strength. We know we need God for it to happen.

The journey is just as much a part of the story as the goal, and it’s an exciting one. This blog is here to share little vignettes from our journey through the bigger story of our lives.

Many stories within The Story

The main Story we all live in is the big love story of how God created us, loved us, we turned from him, and he is doing everything he can to bring us back to him and make everything right again.

But within that Story that each of us are part of, whether we acknowledge it or not, is each of our individual stories.

Our story is one of being called to have land. We want to create a place for people to come and meet with God and to find rest. It’s a story that we can live out together as a family that will grow us close to each other.

But our journey to land is also filled with smaller beautiful stories as well.

Even my office job was part of the story. But it became clear to us when that part of the story had to end and we had to step out in faith and trust that God would provide for us.

Now we do photography full time. It’s scary to be self-employed. But what good story doesn’t involve risks?

Then there are the smaller, day-to-day stories that we’re living out.

From simply learning to live well and treat each other with grace to helping the homeless to playing with our children and helping them to grow.

Our lives are full of stories, and we long to live out a good one.

Living a good story is hard

Many of us dream of living a good story, but few of us actually go out and do it.

It’s exciting to start a new story, or to be called to a new one, but then we get into it a bit and it feels like we’ll be stuck in the middle forever and that our goal will never arrive.

Don Miller says it’s much like paddling from one shore to another. It’s exciting to leave the shore, and the shore disappears behind you quickly, and then you feel like you’re paddling without moving for ages.

Then suddenly, after what seems like forever, the far shore appears and comes upon you quickly.

We’re still in the middle, paddling without appearing to move at all, but we’re trusting that God is bringing us closer to the dream of land that he gave us about 5 years ago now.

What kind of story are you living?

I believe our call as believers is to live out a story so compelling that the people around us can’t help but to ask us about The Story.

I’m not saying you have to leave your boring office job to do this, but what else in your life can you do to make your story a truly good story?

Maybe it’s helping the homeless. Maybe it’s something else.

Whatever it is, dare to live it now. Pray, ask God to show you your story, and then don’t be afraid to risk the things we hold dear (comfort, money, benefits, etc.) to really live a good life.

Then be brave and move forward.

I love them dearly, I really do.

But lately I’ve found myself yelling at them more and more.

It’s not just because I lose my temper (although that’s sometimes the case).

It’s mostly because they simply can’t hear me over their own yelling and that’s the only way to get their attention.

We’re all far more self-centered than we like to believe

Let’s face it: we spend many hours of the day thinking about how we feel.

If we’re sick or tired or overwhelmed, we may get cranky.

We complain when things are uncomfortable or when we’ve been slighted (even over small things).

When someone does something nice to us, we’re overjoyed and think about how happy we are.

We have our moments of caring for other people, but really we care far more for ourselves than any other person.

We may not always think highly of ourselves, but that’s for another post. Regardless of our opinion about ourselves, we think about ourselves practically incessantly.

The difficulty of becoming a parent

I think the hardest part about having our first child was not the work or the lack of sleep, it was learning that we had to give up so many things we could do so easily without kids.

It was realizing that I have to do things I don’t want to do all the stinking time.

I mean, thankfully God was gracious enough to give us a love so large for our children we can’t even explain it or comprehend it so it isn’t so bad, but seriously, it’s hard to have to give things up and take on the duties of caring so completely for another.

My kids are full of themselves (but who isn’t?)

I realized tonight that my kids are just dealing with the fact that they can’t always have or do what they want, and so they’re simply voicing their anger.

They’ve just got really loud angry voices.

We were making hot chocolate for them as a treat. With marshmallows. Yum.

We told them several times to settle down and stop going crazy at the table (it was beyond excitement…that’s tolerable at least).

They didn’t listen. Time and time again.

So we finally said they weren’t getting the hot chocolate, and they were going straight to bed. It had gotten far too out of hand, and we had had enough.

You’d have thought we were torturing them the way they yelled and cried.

Full out tantrums. Yelling at the top of their lungs. It was horrible.

I tried talking to them in a normal voice, as I’ve heard kids will sometimes stop yelling to listen to you if you keep talking softly, but I’m pretty much convinced after tonight that they’ll just keep yelling their beautiful little heads off until they pass out from exhaustion (or get their way) if we don’t intervene.

So I yelled over them to get them to listen, and I had to dole out some more consequences (no games, naps in the afternoon, etc) because they kept refusing to go up to their rooms for bed.

Mixed feelings

I don’t like the fact that I had to do it, and I’ve always felt bad about it in the past, but after tonight and seeing that they simply would not listen (and wouldn’t for quite some time) I stopped feeling bad about it.

We’re not berating them. We’re not being inappropriate. It’s simply what we need to do to be heard. I just hate it.

I do the same thing

It made me think about my own life, and how some times I get so wrapped up in my own complaints and annoyances that I fail to listen to those around me or to God.

I get stressed about money, or overwhelmed with the kids, or so completely swamped with the businesses that I feel like I don’t have a spare moment and I wallow in pity for myself.

But what I felt God telling me tonight as I mulled over this yelling thing was that He isn’t going to yell at me. I simply need to stop complaining and being so self-absorbed and turn to him and listen.

Really listen to the conversation going on in the Trinity, and see if there’s something God is trying to tell me in all of this.

It’s just so hard to stop and do this sometimes, though!

But He’s gentle. He’s humble. And while He can raise up his wrath and has all power to be the angry yelling God that many picture him to be, I think we mostly fail to hear him because he’s generally speaking softly and we fail to listen.

He will never crush us or shame us.

He wants to redeem us, to give us the lives we’ve always wanted (but don’t always realize we want).

He wants us to have joy despite our circumstances, even when life is getting us down.

He simply wants us to sit at his feet and listen. We need it more than anything else.

“As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him.

She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said.

But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made.

She came to him and asked, ‘Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!’

‘Martha, Martha,’ the Lord answered, ‘you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed — or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.’” -Luke 10:38-42 (NIV)

As I type, I’m sitting here in my pajamas. It’s almost 9am.

I still haven’t had breakfast.

I still need to shower.

Other than taking a few moments to chat with my kids, hug them, and snuggle a bit, I haven’t done anything except go straight to my computer and start working.

It isn’t luxurious to work in your pajamas

We just got back from spending a weekend away without the kids. We spend the weekend volunteering at an InterVarsity conference in the prayer room.

I feel rested and more in-tune with myself. It’s awesome.

But as I sit here in my pajamas, I feel a bit unsettled.

I woke up, and I was in front of the computer almost immediately, feeling like I had to get here right away since I have so much to do and what feels like so little time.

There was no transition.

It feels a bit like I’m enslaved to this – this feeling of having to do this right now.

This has pretty much been my routine for the last few months. I do eventually get dressed and all that, but I start my mornings without breakfast right away, and without caring for myself or even acknowledging God.

It wasn’t until today that I realized how unsettling and enslaving this has been.

The new routine

I’m not sure what the new routine will look like for sure, but I think it will require me at least getting dressed and ready for the day and eating breakfast. I’d like to spend some time in prayer, probably just a few minutes in silence, but sometimes that’s hard to come by in a household with children. But I can always try for it, and that’s probably just an excuse I use anyways.

I think having a routine that says that work isn’t the most important thing right away in my day will be freeing.

I think it will also make me more productive when I am working.

I’m excited about the possibilities of this. It feels really right. I mean, God created routines everywhere we look. The day always starts with the sunrise, the seasons always change at the right times, we continue to grow old, and on and on and on. There must be something inherently good about having routines.

Hitting the reset button

So I’m off.

I’m going to step away from the computer, and restart my day the way I should have an hour and a half ago.

And I’m going to ponder what other routines should be in my life so that I have good boundaries and aren’t rule by the workaholic tendencies that are inside of me.

On my list of things to do were to buy a number of good little gifts for a friend of ours who is leading the prayer team that we’ll be a part of. She always gives so much of herself and cares for so many other people that it’s a small pleasure of ours to be able to do something lovely for her. I also had to get some groceries for the weekend.

As I was leaving, I noted how cold the air was and how it was actually starting to feel like winter a bit. Frost was already forming on my car and it wasn’t that late into the night.

Late night grocery shopping

Eventually I made it to the grocery store. It was late, but sometimes I enjoy shopping when it is empty. Much less chaotic.

As I walked in, I noticed a man sitting on a bench right inside the doors near the carts that looked like he might be homeless. He didn’t appear to be waiting for anyone, but I’ve been wrong before so I just kept going.

I had a lot of shopping to do, so I was in there for quite awhile.

On my way out the door, he was still there. I felt confident at this point that he was homeless and was simply waiting there because it was warmer than waiting outside. He didn’t look like he was dressed well enough to be able to stay warm outside in the cold.

I pondered what I could do for him as I took my cart filled with groceries back to my car.

As a woman, I’m always hesitant to approach a homeless man (or any man at all). No offense to men out there, but I want to be safe and I want to be cautious.

I considered going back in the store to buy some food for him, but as I was putting my groceries in my cart I saw him walk out and into a vehicle that pulled up, and I felt relieved that he wouldn’t be left out in the cold and someone was caring for him.

I got in my car and started to drive away, and I saw him still sitting on the bench. The man I saw get into the truck wasn’t him.

My broken heart

I was driving away at this point, and wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t feel like I was supposed to stop and turn around, so I went home.

Once the groceries were in, I started crying as I told him husband about him. I couldn’t stop. I didn’t know what to do or what we should do, but I kept thinking about how God wants us to care for the poor and needy and that he values that so much more than just giving some money or something.

I couldn’t stop crying thinking about how he was going to be cold all night, but I didn’t know that it was okay for me to go back.

I also felt ungrateful for all we had. I take so much for granted. I worry about things that don’t really matter. We have a warm place to lay our heads each night, and good food for our bodies.

Not only that, but we have an abundance of other gifts and things that are a clear indication of our “wealth”, such as computers and a TV and a cell phone. Even though things feel tight every month, we still are so much more wealthy than so many others and I felt thankful but also ungrateful as we don’t appreciate it like we should.

So many emotions. I was raw.

Brandon said he’d go back. I was so relieved, and I think I loved him more in that moment than I’ve ever loved him before.

How much help are we called to give?

We talked about how we could help him. We have a warm house, but we also have a family with young kids and possessions that we need, and we have no idea who this man is or if he’s desperate enough to do something to take advantage of us. How much does God call us to help, to risk?

We decided that if nothing else, we could allow him to sleep on the couch on our porch and deadbolt the door to the rest of the house. We figured it’d be welcomed more than sleeping outside, and it’d keep our family safe.

But first before going that route, we called the local warming shelter in town and asked if we could bring him there if he needed it. They said of course, even though they technically close their doors at 9pm or sometime around there (it was 10:30 when I got home). Brandon just had to call when they got there so they could come and let them in.

Back to the grocery store

Brandon went to the store, but didn’t see anyone on the bench where I had seen him before.

So he decided to buy a few groceries for the warming house anyways and bring them over. It was the least we could do.

As he was walking out, there was the man again on the bench.

Brandon simply asked him if he had anywhere to stay that night, and he said no. So he asked if he’d like a ride over to the warming house since Brandon was bringing some supplies over there anyways.

He accepted, and off they went.

His name was Frank. He was humble, gracious, and had been homeless for about 2 months. He lost his job, unemployment ran out, and he was evicted. He had nowhere to go. He told Brandon he had simply planned to walk around all night to stay warm once the grocery store closed.

They chatted as they drove, and he was thankful for everything. Brandon said he appeared to feel like he had won the lottery and was just very thankful for anything and everything.

“Your hands will never be cold again”

Brandon had brought one of his warm winter jackets and his favorite cold weather winter gloves – choppers – to give to him (they were the warmest ones he owns and made to last for years).

Frank was so incredibly thankful. He tried on the choppers and said they seemed like really nice gloves, and Brandon told him that his hands would never be cold again.

They got to the warming house, they got him checked in, and the man working there (who actually knew Brandon) gave Brandon a tour before he left.

Hearts laid raw

Both Brandon and I had our hearts ripped open wide and left raw from this (in a really good way).

Our town is not a large town. We don’t see homeless like you do in big cities. It’s much more hidden, but it still exists.

We’re so incredibly thankful for the people who had the compassion to start the warming house.

Homelessness has a name

I’ve always thought I cared about the homeless, but now it’s personal. They aren’t just a “homeless person” to me anymore; they are a person, just like me, with a name and a story.

I will always think of Frank in the future when I hear the word “homeless” or “poor”.

I’ll think about how he was just sitting there, dreading the cold, with no where to go or anything to comfort him. And then the pain that would have been of him walking the streets at night to stay warm and then trying to find a place in the day to sleep when it is “warmer” but still quite cold. I cannot imagine how depressing it would be to have to live that way.

I may never see him again, but I will pray for him and for the homeless in ways I was never able to before.

What do we do now?

So the question in my mind is what can we do now to make a difference?

The warming house serves 2 meals, a warm dinner and then a cold breakfast before closing down for the day. They have 3-4 meals a week already donated, but they need people who can come together and provide a meal for those in need.

Our small group was already talking about doing this at the warming house (which is how we knew to call them). This pretty much cements the decision in my mind to do this.

What can you do?

I didn’t write this post to simply share how awesome we are or to get comments about how we are good people or any of that.

I wrote this post to process the thoughts in my heart, and to challenge you, yes you reading this right now, to think about what you can do to help another human being who is less fortunate than you are.

Maybe it isn’t someone who is homeless.

Maybe it’s just a neighbor or a friend going through a hard time.

Whatever the situation is, I encourage you to make some time to do something for someone else. Imagine how much of a difference we could make if even just 100 people did something more this week, or every week, or even every month.

“If you pour yourself out for the hungry
and satisfy the desire of the afflicted,
then shall your light rise in the darkness
and your gloom be as the noonday.
And the LORD will guide you continually
and satisfy your desire in scorched places
and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
like a spring of water,
whose waters do not fail.” -Isaiah 58:10-11 (ESV)

I actually started by saying that I really hate running, but that’s not entirely true. About once a month I really enjoy a run. But that’s literally it.

That being said, I just took a 4 month hiatus from running. Last week I made a commitment to get back in the saddle and start running again.

So why do I run?

I run because I am lazy

I know I need to work out.

I don’t enjoy working out, but I love how it makes me feel, how it reduces stress, and it gives me more energy. I also like the way it makes my body look.

So I run because it works most of my body and it gets me in shape with less minutes per day that most other exercises.

I could swim, which is also great (maybe even better) but I hate being cold and avoid it whenever possible, so swimming means being cold for a bit and I’d rather just run and not deal with it.

Not a runner

I never used to be a runner. I think I went almost 10 years without running at all.

I ran track in high school (sprints and triple jump). Then I ran in college a bit simply because I wanted to force myself to do something I didn’t enjoy in order to build more discipline in my life.

I completed a 10K the summer of 2001, then I hurt my knee water skiing not long after that, and I didn’t run again until last year.

I never enjoyed it, I was busy, so it didn’t even cross my mind to start. I thought I’d never run again.

The day I decided to run again

It seems like everyone I know was running a half marathon in the spring of 2010.

Then a colleague of mine at work decided to run a marathon. He was overweight and definitely not the type of person you’d expect to do it.

He told me to do it too. I had already been tempted to do a half marathon for whatever crazy reason (really, the thought was totally crazy to me), and this just set me over the edge.

I decided to run again.

And to my delight, my husband decided to train for a full marathon as well, something he had always dreamed of doing.

And so we ran

I ran my first half marathon in September of 2010. I hated the training. Running never became fun for me.

My husband LOVES running. It’s how he connects with God. Sometimes I connect with God as well, but most of the time I just suffer through the entire run.

The race, though, was glorious.

It was truly one of the most amazing and spiritual experiences of my life.

I’ll write about it sometime if I get a chance, but for now suffice it to say that it was one of those times in life where you just feel God’s presence so strongly that I was smiling like a crazy girl the whole way, and I loved the entire race.

I enjoyed the race enough that I decided to run another one.

Training again was not fun.

I got burned out.

And then I ran the race in May of this year, in 37 degree temperatures in a mix of rain, sleet, and snow, and wind so strong that it was painful.

Remember how I said I hate the cold?

Yeah, I finished the race, but there was nothing spiritual about it. Nothing fun, nothing uplifting, just pure misery.

So I took a break.

Back in the saddle again

So for the last 4 months I’ve been sitting in front of a computer instead of running. I gardened, I biked a few times, and I ran once, but yeah, pretty much let my body go.

I am one of those people who generally eats pretty well because I’m lucky enough to really enjoy foods that are good for me, so I didn’t really gain any weight (maybe, but I don’t check it hardly at all so it’s hard to say) but my butt started to get soft and I missed the energy and mood booster that I got from exercising.

So here I am. I have ran twice in the last week. My goal is to run twice a week at least 2 miles. More if I feel like it, less if I don’t.

My husband loves running so much he’s decided he wants to run ultra-marathons. He’s training for a 70ish mile run next fall.

It’s all in your head

So my first run was just painful, and this last one I did yesterday wasn’t too bad. I had a really great time with God and felt like He was speaking to me through most of it, so that made it a relatively fun run. At least the time was tolerable.

I knew I needed to write about running.

I did 3 miles the first day and 4 miles yesterday. I walked a bit, and I ran a lot slower than I did when I was training regularly, but I did it.

The thing that has changed is my mindset. I know that I’m going to want to quit. I know that my body is going to hurt. I know that the voices in my head are going to tell me that I can’t do it.

But the difference is that I can now silence those voices. I know that all I need to do is to stop listening to all those voices telling me to stop and just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I believe now that I could run ultra marathons with my husband if I wanted to.

I have absolutely no desire to do so, but knowing that it’s all in my head and I just need to ignore my mind and just move is really, really helpful.

The Metaphors

I can think of so many interpretations to give to this running metaphor about my life, about how I just need to keep going, putting one foot in front of the other, and not listening to the voices in my head telling me I can’t keep going.

But I’m tired, my muscles are sore, and I’ve had a bit of mulled wine, so I think I’ll just leave it for you to ponder.

In the meantime, if you want to follow my running progress and get moving again too, follow me over at dailymile. Do it for your quality of life and your health. Only a few minutes of suffering through it each week is so valuable. Join me, and let’s encourage each other while we’re at it.

The last 5 years have been exhausting. We’ve had 3 children, I’ve taken several actuarial exams (each taking about 400 hours of studying), we’ve started a business while working full-time, and it’s taken its toll on me.

I have no doubts that this is the path we’re supposed to have taken.

But I’ve made it more exhausting than it had to be, which makes me sad.

Not as busy as we think

There’s been so much to do that I haven’t done a good job of taking time away and truly resting.

With a family it feels like that’s impossible, but it’s not. It always feels like there’s not enough time.

But the truth is, I simply fill that extra time with things that I think will help me unwind.

We don’t really watch TV, but I spend plenty of time on things like Facebook.

I don’t even want to think about how much time I’ve been on Facebook the last few years.

And as I get more busy and more stressed, I tend to escape to things like that more to try and get a sense of rest, but it doesn’t truly satisfy.

What is Rest?

I used to think that taking a vacation was rest, but now that we have kids it’s more work than our regular daily schedule. I come back more exhausted than before I left.

If I asked each person I met today what real true “Rest” was, I’d get just as many answers as there are people.

Rest for me takes many forms.

I feel rested after working in my garden. It causes me to step away and reflect. I can’t help but feel like it’s one big metaphor about life. God speaks to me through it. I inevitably feel rested in my soul afterwards, even if my body is exhausted.

But I also feel rested when I take time to care for myself, both physically and spiritually.

When I am eating well, getting regular sleep, and spending regular quiet time with God I feel amazing.
But so often I just eat whatever is quick, I stay up too late surfing the internet or working because I think it will take away some stress, and I don’t take the time away to truly meet with God and rest in him.

My life has suffered because of it.

I mean, I’m happy and things are going well, but I’m tired. So deeply tired.

”Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

My soul is thirsty to find Rest.

It’s offered to each of us, you and me, and we simply have to accept it as a gift. Too often I try to fabricate it myself, and that never works more than a moment.

Jesus invites us each to have true Rest in him. We simply have to accept his gift and follow him.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” ~Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)

My prayer is that I’d accept Rest. I know where to find it. I just need to stop looking for it in other places, be willing to stop “doing” all the time, and just spend some time “being” with my creator and friend.

God is good and faithful.

Let me explain.

Some would call it coincidence…

After getting rather stressed out and writing about how I hate money, but choosing to trust God, He gave me a clear reminder that He is in control and all the money is His.

Three days after publishing that post, money started to pour in from the blog.

It was crazy. In fact, it keeps coming.

I made more in one week than I have in my best month ever before this.

I keep expecting it to stop, but it keeps going. It’s downright shocking.

I mean, it’s only been a week since the downpour started, and I keep telling myself that it will probably subside for awhile as things tend to go in waves there, but part of me wonders what would happen if it didn’t slow down.

I know that God is big enough that He could just keep increasing it. But the pessimistic (realistic?) part of me keeps trying to convince myself that it’s just a spurt and will probably slow down again soon.

Some would say I did it myself…

The downpour started when I offered up a store sale in honor of my 30th birthday.

But even after the sale, the money kept coming. A few days after that I posted about how I make money blogging. It includes lots of links to things that make me money, so that helped keep the income coming.

But I can’t claim to have made it happen.

He gave me the ideas, but ultimately even good ideas fail if it isn’t part of God’s plan.

I think God just wanted to remind me of His love and power

I truly and honestly believe that this was all just God’s way of showing me that He loves me, He called me to this, and He will provide for all of our needs.

I do this exact same thing with my kids.

At a hotel we visited recently there was a small waterslide. My daughter was terrified of it (even though she had gone down it alone the year prior many, many times.)

We told her it was safe.

We then showed her it was safe by going down it.

We even rode it with her and she loved it but wouldn’t do it without us.

Finally, about an hour later and after we refused to ride it with her anymore (as we were playing with the other kids) she bravely tried it herself.

From that point on she pretty much lived on the slide.

This feels a little bit like God riding with me down the slide, showing me that it’s all going to be okay.

A strong calling • A compassionate God

We have no doubts that this is the path we’re supposed to be on.

It’s hard to trust sometimes. Many times, in fact, but it’s drawn me so much closer to God.

I will have no regrets, no matter what happens.

And in the meantime, I’ll simply be thankful and look forward to living out more of this journey that we’re on towards land, towards the dream, and ultimately towards our heavenly home someday.

But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. -Psalm 86:15 (NIV)

In the meantime, I should probably re-read the book “Blue Like Jazz” (affiliate link). It’s been several years (maybe even 10 years?!?) but I remember thinking it was fantastic. Talk about making you think about faith and why you believe it all while being completely authentic about it. You should read it too (or re-read it for that matter). Don Miller is such a gifted author.

The movie looks pretty awesome. I’d expect nothing less from something filmed in Portland.

At the same time, it causes me to trust God more, so I shouldn’t hate it. I mean, I like money, but I hate how it determines so much in life.

If I’m stressed out, there’s a 95% chance that it’s about money, and right now I’m feeling stressed about money so it seemed appropriate to write about.

Present concerns

I think the hardest part of being self-employed is worrying about having money through the down-season. When I had a regular paycheck every other week, it was easy to set our bills on auto-pay, budget the rest appropriately, and not worry about it.

But with a big off-season without many weddings, we have to plan so much more carefully, and we have to live tighter than we have in the past. That’s really hard to change.

Past wastefulness

We’ve wasted a lot of money. It makes me sad. Part of me wonders if it would be better for us to not have a surplus of money because we tend to get lazy and spend it on unnecessary things like eating out more often because we don’t want to cook. Not that it’s bad to do so, but honestly sometimes we are just lazy and in my mind that’s not okay.

Means for the dream

Without money, I’m not sure how we’ll ever be able to afford our dream of land. So we have to keep plugging along, following God, and trusting that He knows how it will all work out.

Maybe we’ll be given land.

Maybe my blog income will provide the money we need. That’s so much more scalable compared to wedding photography, where you can only shoot so many weddings in a year. I mean, I could hire associates to shoot weddings, but we don’t have the volume yet to go that route and are not sure that we would want to anyways. So our income there is limited to a certain amount.

I don’t really know how it is all going to happen, but I do trust that God will provide for us and hope with a very Biblical hope that we will in fact have land.

I choose to trust God anyways

I also have no doubts that God called us to self-employment, so if things are tight for awhile, I have to trust that God knows what He is doing. He didn’t promise that we’d be comfortable – He simply asks us to follow Him no matter what.

So here I am, writing this post, because I’m stressed and don’t want to be. I want to trust. I am asking God to give me more faith.

“Incline you ear, and come to me; hear, that your soul may live.”

The following chapter in Isaiah really spoke to me this morning on a number of levels, basically reminding me that it’s not about what I have on this earth that will satisfy me, it’s about running into God’s arms and spending time with him that will satisfy more than anything here. I don’t know God’s plan, I can’t plan it out myself, but it is good and exactly what I need so I need to trust that He knows what he is doing (and I do, even if I’m scared sometimes).

It’s a long passage, but I’m putting it here anyways. The parts in bold are what struck me and are not emphasized in the text.

“Come, everyone who thirsts, come to the waters;
and he who has no money, come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk without money and without price.

Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread,
and your labor for that which does not satisfy?
Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good, and delight yourselves in rich food.

Incline your ear, and come to me; hear, that your soul may live;
and I will make with you an everlasting covenant, my steadfast, sure love for David.

Behold, I made him a witness to the peoples, a leader and commander for the peoples.

Behold, you shall call a nation that you do not know, and a nation that did not know you shall run to you,
because of the LORD your God, and of the Holy One of Israel, for he has glorified you.

Seek the LORD while he may be found; call upon him while he is near; let the wicked forsake his way,
and the unrighteous man his thoughts; let him return to the LORD, that he may have compassion on him,
and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth,
making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;
it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,
and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.

For you shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and the hills before you shall break forth into singing,
and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress; instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle;
and it shall make a name for the LORD, an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.” -Isaiah 55 (ESV)

Transformed

I started this post feeling stressed, scared.

It’s amazing how much better I feel just getting it out, getting into Scripture. I’m feeling God’s peace about it all, even though I know the uncertainty is still there.

God is good, and the Bible is like water for my thirsty soul.

May the peace I’m feeling also be poured out onto you, and may you give all your fears and stresses to the One who has the power to take care of them all.

This morning, after shooting a wedding yesterday, I woke up to start getting ready for church and had an argument with my husband. We both felt like crap, and we’ve both been sick for over 3 weeks, and honestly I just woke up super-cranky and said some things I shouldn’t have.

We talked it out, and I apologized, and we realized that we’re both exhausted and tired. It’s the end of a long stretch of weddings and the crazy season and we’re burned out as well. It’s really hard to get up at 7am to hungry demanding kiddos after having gone to bed close to 1am (not to mention the physical exhaustion from the day too).

My husband told me to go back to bed and rest, and that he would feed the kids and get them ready to go to church and wake me up when I needed to get up.

I love him so much. I was so thankful.

Because he loves me

So I went back to bed. I didn’t sleep super well, but it felt good to rest anyways.

I woke up to lots of laughter downstairs as my husband was playing with the kids, and when I came down a few minutes later he was just making me some coffee and about to come up and get me. The kids were all ready to go, and here he was serving me too even though he’s exhausted and even more sick than I am.

I certainly did not deserve this. I mean, I woke up and started an argument and wasn’t very kind.

But he forgave me. He gave me rest. He showed me his love anyways.

Because He loves us

At church, as I was pondering all this, I realized that this was a perfect illustration of God’s grace for us.

We aren’t perfect. We insult God. We can’t earn His favor and we continually find ourselves putting things before God in our lives.

Yet He forgives us. He loves us. He always welcomes us to run to His big daddy arms for a welcoming hug and to find true rest.

We need to do this every day. It’s part of the journey.

It doesn’t matter how “bad” you have been or what you have done, nothing is too big for God. He forgives all and loves all. He simply asks that we run to Him, talk with Him about it, and accept the gift of grace that He wants to give us.

“But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ – by grace you have been saved – and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” -Ephesians 2:4-10 (ESV)

I love that stuff, so I clicked over and read the article.

Most of it was simple stuff, some of it involved money, but overall it was pretty cool. It stuck with me.

Fast-forward to tonight

We’re low on groceries (think super-low, should have went to the store 2 days ago instead of today low) so there’s little we can throw together for a meal tonight.

We decide to do tacos, and all we have is chicken, cheese, tomatoes, and shells. So I offer to go and get lettuce (what’s a taco without lettuce?!?) while Brandon cooks up the meal.

At the store, as I’m shopping, I’m thinking about the random acts of kindness and feeling inspired to do something if the opportunity arises. But I’m also thinking about how expensive it would be to do lots of them like she did. Money is where I get stressed, but I remember that there are lots of things a person can do that don’t cost money.

Slice of humble pie

As I’m waiting to check out, the woman in front of me is taking forEVER. If I’m honest with myself, I’m impatient and hungry and for a moment wonder what’s taking so long.

Then I realize she is writing left-handed in a checkbook and that she only has one arm.

I’m humbled immediately, and it puts me in the right frame of mind. I’m instantly thankful for all I have and any impatience or annoyance is out the window.

I only have a few items, so I walk out the door pretty fast and cross her path again as she’s working on opening her car door without the cart rolling away, then maneuvering it with one hand to try and re-position it. So I ask her if she’d like some help.

I wasn’t sure if she would take me up on it, but she accepted and appreciated it. I got to load groceries into her backseat and push her cart back to the stall for her.

It wasn’t much, but it was a random act of kindness that I might not otherwise have done and I felt proud and a bit smug. Not going to lie.

Where I place my trust

I’m thanking God that He gave me this opportunity, and have a smile on my face. As I’m unloading my groceries into the car, I hear a man a few cars away say, “Excuse me, miss.”

I turn, and he’s out of gas sitting in his vehicle and asks me if I have a few bucks to spare to help him pay for the gas he’s having dropped off.

I’m always leery of men when I’m alone, but I tell him I’ll check and let him know in a moment. I don’t usually carry cash, but I had some left from our trip to the farmer’s market last weekend. As I was looking in my purse for it, I hear him on his cell phone giving directions to someone and explaining what happened, so I feel like this is a legitimate request.

But it’s money, and when I get stressed it’s generally about money. It’s a weakness of mine. I wanted to do a random act of kindness, but I know this winter is going to be tight until summer so I’m quietly lamenting that he wants money.

All I have in cash is a $10 bill. I give it to him. He thanks me much and said that’s perfect.

I remind myself as I drive away that God is in control. I wanted to do a random act of kindness, and I did one and felt smug, but then the second one was more like God was asking me, “do you really want to do a random act of kindness???” as that one took a bit of letting go of what I hold on to too closely sometimes.

I mean, it was only $10 and that’s definitely not going to break us by any means, but money is where I get stressed so it was another small but intentional act of trusting in God’s providence for me to do it.

I drove home thankful that God allowed me both opportunities and again just trusting, hoping, that it’ll all be alright, that we’ll book enough business next year to make it through, and that God will provide for us. I know he called us to self-employment. I have no doubts about it. But sometimes it’s easy to hold on to other things, like money, and I welcome the reminders that God is control of everything and that our money is not ours, but His.